Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
so explain again why im purple
no
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
