Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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