so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
