Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
