he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
