mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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