i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
