I look better un-naked...
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
