this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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