It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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