i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
