you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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