his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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