True but thats because hes a fetus.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
