One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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