I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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