and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Randomize
