The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize