I smell stomach acid.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
