your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
