Capitaan dildo arrescate!
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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