Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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