U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
