As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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