The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
