Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
