If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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