dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
