It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
