My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
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