well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
