I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
