found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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