I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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