I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
