I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Your penis caused this!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
