I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
