Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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