OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
