My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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