So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
