You don't have asthma, your pregnant
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
