I'm sorry my penis didn't work
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
