I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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