The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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