You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
