bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
