so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
