My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My vagina just recognized that song.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
