I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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