bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
