I can feel you judging me through the phone.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
