Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
its liver damage thursday
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