Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
