Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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