If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
