My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
farters have to be the big spoon...
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
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