I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
