airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize