I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
