I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
